Since January 2018 till recently, my website hasn’t been updated. I’ve tried to write something or record something every now and then but I couldn’t get myself to even think about anything. I didn’t want to update anything that makes me feel like I’m lying to my readers or to my audience. It’s, again, too much pressure to make you guys believe everything is A-OK with me.
My Instagram and YouTube Channel have not been updated yet because I want to be raw and to be myself. If you want to continue to follow me, thank you for your acceptance and understanding. If you expect something different from me, I will understand if you leave.
Today, I want to use this opportunity to talk about mental health. It may not really be about Mayan “around town”, but it is definitely something I would indeed want to talk about.
The goal is to also help raise awareness for mental health — something I am a strong fighter for. It will be lengthy and likely be disorganized thoughts but if you can bear with me, I’d appreciate your time…
I had an exciting year ahead of me. The first weeks of January promised a lot of opportunities for both travel and work. Along the way, things turned for the worse, even my personal life. It wasn’t something I could shrug off in a few days because I know that sometimes shit happens but these particular incidents crushed my soul. It crippled me in every way.
I had started questioning my worth. My confidence ran out the door. I was angry because I fought for many years to be as secure as I can be, to be content, and to be confident in my own life. All that vanished in just a few moments.
The last time I battled this much emotionally and mentally was 8 years ago when I couldn’t lift a pen to finish school. I knew I was facing another giant roadblock. I knew I had to keep fighting this for a while. I knew I was boarding a nightmare of a roller coaster ride.
Maybe I have been holding off some feelings for too long that this time everything got triggered. Another lesson I need to take note of. I guess it’s time to see my therapist again. Now, right now maybe some of you feel weird that I’m seeing a therapist. It’s not a very common thing in the Philippines, right? We normally ignore the idea and just stick to friends or family to talk about them. I’m not against that but if you want an unbiased opinion, where no one has ulterior motives behind their “advice”, going to a professional would be better for you. They’ll be more objective. They won’t force you to do anything. They make you see things for what they really are and you get to decide.
I used to (and still do) run to my friends and family whenever I’d have a minor breakdown. It sometimes helps and is enough but sometimes it isn’t. “You’re such a strong person, Mayan.” “You have so much potential.” These lines are nothing new to me. If anything, I think I’ve heard it too much — too much that I sometimes don’t believe in it anymore. I hate how much people put so much belief in me that it pressures me to be exactly who they think I am.
I am nothing but a mere human being who struggles as well and I go through every bit of weak moments like anyone else, even like those who aren’t “strong” enough. Sometimes, if you’re comforting a grieving friend, you don’t even need to say that — “you’re a strong person”. Sometimes you just need to physically be there and listen. Spend the silence together because it’s better than hearing things that either won’t help or will only make it worse. Remember, that person is emotionally and mentally incapable of being objective.
Unlike before, now I know better that it’s OK not be okay. It’s OK not to feel strong. It’s OK not to want to go out. It’s OK to feel like shit. It’s OK to feel what you feel right now if you’re going through your own battles.
But remember this, it isn’t the end of the world. Life doesn’t stop here.
Embrace your emotions. Let all the pain seep through your body and feel it. Take the chance to understand your pain because once you get to know it, you’ll know exactly how to deal with it. If you ignore them, you’ll never figure out how to fix it. You’ll only make it worse. Face the pain head on. Find the root of the problem and then figure out a solution from there.
Am I better? Hah, no. It will take time but that doesn’t mean I can’t try to live my life. It’s a constant battle that you just need to learn how to deal with. If you’re going through something, I’m here for you. If you need a friend, I’ll be here. You can always shoot me an email and we can talk.
Thank you for reading this far. It means a lot. Remember to be kind to anyone you meet cause we’re all fighting our own battles.